'You sound like the only sane person in this entire narrative': Woman asks 'AITA?' for avoiding random late-night visit

Author image for Remy Millisky
Remy Millisky • Writer and Editor
Feb 11, 2023 11:00 AM EST

Does your family ever show up to your house uninvited? And if so, what's the latest time they've ever shown up to your front door? 

This person wrote to r/AmItheA****** to ask about a tricky situation involving her husband's brother and family. Since they live two hours from each other, they don't see each other all the time. As the OP wrote on a throwaway account, the brother's family was in town for a celebration. That night the BIL, his wife, and their toddler showed up at the OP's house at 10:10 PM! 

The OP wrote that this was quite the surprise visit. After all, she was already in for the night and dressed in pajamas. Plus, who comes over before giving at least a little bit of warning so that you can clean off the surfaces and put on proper clothes? While this seems like basic etiquette to many people, including the commenters, it's possible the BIL was looking for a cheap and easy place to spend the night. He probably should have called to ask the OP and her husband though. Since he didn't — and instead, he yelled at her husband for the rudeness of not answering the door at such a late hour! 

Dig into some more household drama with this story of a guy who works remote, and has decided to kick his GF out of the house for 6-7 hours a day (which she is not happy about). 

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  • 01
    World - 'He asked if he should call and tell them to come back. I said absolutely not'
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  • 02
    Font - r/AmIthe As Posted by u/throwaway834727 16 hours ago AITA for not allowing BIL's family inside when they showed up unannounced?
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  • 03
    Font - My husband and I (both 30) live about 2 hours from his brother (32M), brother's wife, and their four year old son. Last night, they were in the area to celebrate SIL's father's retirement. We didn't know they would be here and made no plans, but after dinner they showed up at our home at 10:10pm.
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  • 04
    Font - We live on a dark street with a winding driveway that only faces our garage. We were already upstairs watching a movie and didn't see them drive up. BIL called my husband but his phone was on silent and he didn't see it until 20 minutes later. By then, they had already left, but he asked if he should call and tell them to come back. I said absolutely not - I had to wake up today at 6am for work and they would have come in, had a drink, and probably stayed until 12am. The house was kind of
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  • 05
    Font - Plus, I'm tired of them showing up unannounced. They do it randomly to "surprise" us (like they're doing us a favor) and expect us to feed them and play the top hosts but don't reciprocate. They also get mad when we're not available to host them in the name of family. Of course, BIL called my husband and yelled for 20 minutes today about how we shunned them. He said that family should always be welcome and they would welcome us if we showed up unannounced (we never have). They hung up ang
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  • 06
    Art - Tl:dr; BIL and family showed up unannounced and I pretended we didn't know. AITA?
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  • 07
    Font - myoldisnew 16 hr. ago NTA. If it makes you feel better, my MIL used to have the same issue with her family. We repeatedly told her she didn't have to answer the door at night simply because they showed up. It finally stopped when one time they showed up after 9 and kept knocking. She looked out the curtain at them, they saw her looking and waved, and she cut the porch life off and went back to bed. Told me she was singing keep on a knocking but you can't come in. She gained self-respect t
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  • 08
    Font - Accomplished_Two1611 4 hr. ago Partas ipant [2] I don't understand people who insist on visiting. My grandmother had a cousin who she would allow in, but the woman didn't seem to know when to go home. Grandmother would give nice warnings that she needed to be in bed at nine o'clock. Despite warnings, cousin would be sitting there at ten. After years of this, one night, grandmother got up at nine, turned off everything in preparation for going to bed and opened the front door. That was the
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  • 09
    Font - Baileythenerd. 16 hr. ago Colo-rectal Surgeon [49] NTA- It was 10pm. They had no reason to assume that you were in a mood or position to entertain. Furthermore nobody is entitled to your space and your time. The fact that BIL called to YELL at your husband over this makes it overwhelmingly clear that you need to stop capitulating to their BS and don't allow them in unless they give you notice. They're going to try to walk all over you in more ways than one if you keep letting them do it.
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  • 10
    Font - Lcdmt3 16 hr. ago Certified Proctologist [21] NTA who shows up at 10:10pm unannounced?? So rude.
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  • 11
    Rectangle - tthrivi 10 hr. ago And with a 4 year old who should be in bed by 10 pm!?! Wtf!!!
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  • 12
    Font - duckysmomma 16 hr. ago Aficionado [18] A NTA. Someone shows up at my door at 10pm on a work night, I'm not answering either. Personally I'd test their reciprocity-at 10pm on a work night. Or if they're night owls, surprise breakfast! 105 Reply Share Wadmania 14 hr. ago This could turn into a beautiful malicious compliance post.
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  • 13
    Font - Chance2507 16 hr. ago Maybe it's my german genes that scream very loud in crazyness but.... No one... nowhere in the world should make "suprise visits" when people usually going to bed and have to work the next morning. Only exception maybe: young college students... Tell your husband he can visit you anytime before 9p.m. for an hour, when you have to work the next day... and he can also tell them to bring food with them and dont show up with empty hands Speaking for the entire German Nat
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  • 14
    Font - TheSecondEikonOfFire 9 hr. ago Honestly showing up unannounced at all is an a move, good intentions or not. I know that some people pull the "oh I was just in the neighborhood so I thought I'd drop by" c, but for me it's still rude. I'm happy to entertain company, but only if it's planned for (or if it's some sort of exception/emergency - obviously that's different). But just "dropping by"? F that sh
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  • 15
    Rectangle - fungibleprofessional - 16 hr. ago NTA. Showing up unannounced is move. Showing up at an as 10pm unannounced is exponential as
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  • 16
    Font - Blinky_Kitty_61 16 hr. ago Parta ipant [1] NTA but I think your husband is a bit of one. Firstly, he should have hung up the moment his brother started getting angry. Never put up with that. Secondly, don't pander to them ever, so screw letting them in next time. It will never be for just an hour, but you know that. Finally why hasn't your husband grown a spine and put a stop to this idiotic behaviour. A bucket of cold water over them while they are standing at the door might cure this di
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  • 17
    Font - throwaway834727 OP 16 hr. ago I definitely agree with all of this! Unfortunately he told BIL that we had absolutely no idea they were here or we would have welcomed them in. Which is just not true. So we will have to sit down and talk about how to handle this going forward because I don't think we should have to make up excuses when they don't bother to call first
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  • 18
    Font - star-b_nettor 16 hr. ago Parta ipant [2] ΝΤΑ It's bad enough to show up uninvited and unannounced. To do that late in the evening? No. Your husband needs to polish his spine and tell his brother that this isn't appropriate behavior in grown adults. I expect this of teens trying to hang out, or kids, not adults.
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  • 19
    Font - Starwind1988 · 16 hr. ago ΝΤΑ This feels like a no brainer, but yeah. Showing unannounced is pretty much universally accepted as rude. It's even ruder for them to just expect you to host. And don't even get me started on that whole "BuT FaMiLy" thing.
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  • 20
    Font - 01 Dittoheadforever 15 hr. ago. edited 15 hr. ago Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] You're NTA. It's rude enough to show up unannounced and uninvited in the daytime. But after 10 pm? Way beyond rude. Hopefully your unwillingness to accommodate their entitled behavior will keep them from coming by again. ETA: your husband needs to learn how to do a couple things. First of all, hang up when his rude brother is screaming at him. Second, don't make apologies for not getting out of bed and disrupting t
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  • 21
    Font - BeeYehWoo 12 hr. ago Aficionado [17] As my husband is upset with me, saying it would be easier to just let them come in for an hour next time. Easier for who exactly? And whose f'ing side is your husband on? You were already in pajamas, you had to be up early next morning, the house was a mess and you werent going to host anybody unexpectedly at such a late hour.
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  • 22
    Font - Your husband seems to be cut from the same cloth as this brother to think any of this behavior is ok. Either that or your husband is a kisser #1 who wants to avoid conflict and be a perpetual people pleaser. Pleasing everyone except for his wife. What bullsh. The fact that he took his brother's call the next day and ate 20 minutes of sh is amazing and quite telling about your husband's character or lack thereof. NTA, I would never even dream of showing up unannounced and if I did, I would
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  • 23
    Font - michellelogram360 · 14 hr. ago. edited 13 hr. ago NTA. If they live two hours away, sounds like they may have been trying to crash for the night. I actually think the time of day is irrelevant. You don't just stop by unannounced. The guy obviously has a cellphone and knew he'd be in your area. He couldn't be inconvenienced for the 20 seconds it takes to send a "heads-up" text, but it shouldn't be an inconvenience for you to drop what you're doing for an hour to entertain unannounced guest
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  • 24
    Font - Original-Winter9334 16 hr. ago A hole Aficionado [11] NTA!!! this is not ok without prior and enthusiastic permission. Don't let them gaslight you into doubting yourself, your reaction and boundaries are completely normal. Time to have a full-on conversation about what is and is not acceptable, then they can't claim it's a favour to you.
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  • 25
    Font - RockWhisperer2013. 14 hr. ago NTA, and be consistent. Also, my advice to both you and your husband is to cut off all conversations where people yell angrily at you. "Gosh, I'm sorry you're so upset, we'll talk again when you're calmer." Set boundaries and hold them with fierce consistency. You have an effective, polite shield for every strike, in that you can disconnect from the conversation. The more you do it, the easier it gets. And when other family members start giving you the "But t
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  • 26
    Human body - Beneficial-Crow-4051 14 hr. ago NTA. Go LC with them. And laugh.
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  • 27
    Font - Love whatsmypassword 73 15 hr. ago Supreme Court Just-a [110] NTA, sometimes I really understand living in a gated community.
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